I Don’t Want Another Baby

… I wanted that one.

Now that the shock’s worn off a little,  (for other people, I’m still reeling) I feel like the main thing people are trying to comfort me with is that I can have another baby. And that’s true, and great, and yes, we do want more children, but it doesn’t change the fact that this one died.

I don’t just miss any baby, I miss my son.

I think that’s why I can be happy for other people’s newborns, and hold them and love them – they aren’t mine.

It is him, specifically, I grieve for. I could have ten more children, and I will still love that short little life until the day I see him again. Having Taidgh die, and having another baby are seperate issues.

To put it another way, if my husband was dying, would you tell me I’d meet someone else?

I know that people want to make me feel better, I know that other people are moving on, and want to start looking forward. I know that most people don’t know what to say, and try to make things nice – but that I tend not to do nice when it isn’t. I know that no one is intentionally trying to hurt me.

But it does hurt.

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3 thoughts on “I Don’t Want Another Baby

  1. You make total sense Siobhan. In the times you are so broken try to put a cd of God’s word on while you lay broken in bed. You will be so numb that it may not register but your soul will take it in. It is a type of medication. In no way can I comprehend what you have gone through. I do not expect you will ever “get over, or move on”. My prayer is that you will begin to heal emotionally enough to continue living one day at a time. Always having Tiadgh in your heart and loving him along with being able to be there for yourself and your family. To once again have a glimpse of joy in your heart over something Blythe does, or the things that have brought you joy in the past. You can not achieve this on your own Sioban, I know that. This healing is possible only through God’s grace, Leading, Love, and healing, I pray this for you, Dan and Blythe.

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